Hold Me Forever

So I'm going to describe last night right before I went to sleep as "fetal position prayer". And a forewarning that this post is pretty personal, I just feel like it is important to share. The day had gone pretty well and I felt like my work and my effort were more than I usually put forward, but something wasn't right. I made the decision a few weeks ago to choose to be happy when things are hard and it has been incredible to see that choice affect my attitude. When I'm choosing to be happy the hard things are a little bit easier to handle. But not always.

I fell to my knees because I just couldn't handle the stress anymore. Stress that I didn't even realize I had. I wrote a post a while ago about goal setting because I think it's really important to set big plans with smaller attainable ones to work on daily and to set those dreams in motion. We were encouraged last night as a companionship to work on a few more things and I just didn't know how to go forward anymore. Cliche time: it was the straw that broke this camel's back.

What I really wanted to do was rebel. I didn't want to follow any of the rules for another minute. It was time to find a good radio station, call my mom, and I wanted to never put on another skirt again.

I knew none of those things would get me anywhere and ultimately they would just make me feel even more guilty. As I started praying God answered me by the words of the song "Hold You In My Arms" by Ray LaMontagne. It was like I could hear it playing in my head. And I knew it was my comfort that my Father in Heaven knew I needed. It was His promise to me that He can hold me forever.

"When you came to me with your bad dreams and your fears it was easy to see you'd been crying. Seems like everywhere you turn, castatrophe it reigns. But who really profits from the dying? I could hold you in my arms. I could hold you forever."

Now that the night is over and a new day is begun I will be honest that I don't feel 100% myself right now. What I do know is that things are going to be ok. I am the one in control of this ship. I'm the one to sets the standard of what has been a successful day. And I am the one who will work on being happy with what I accomplish.

“God, who foresaw your tribulation, has specially armed you to go through it, not without pain but without stain” -C.S. Lewis

6 sweet messages:

Joy Valentine said...

Elle you are such an example to the rest of us out here.

I hope you know that.

I'm so impressed with your constant ability to press forward. I'm going to tell you something that my mom often tells me, You are stronger than you think you are.

You are an angel, sent to preach the Gospel! You are doing just that! The Lord loves you for what you do everyday...

Garrett Lund said...

Amen!! :) I have to say, you are one of the best. Thanks for all you do. Your example and your determination truly is notable. You teach me things daily and I hope you know that I look up to you a lot!! This is something that I can learn from you, and I appreciate you sharing it with us! :)

Carin said...

I'm not sure what quite to say, Elle, but just know that you are not alone. I was feeling similarly in my own responsibilities today. I had the thought that I had been doing a lot of good lately and if someone on the other team could get me to question my self-worth and send me 'packing' or in my case, to my room to pout, then he could quench my ability to continue making a difference in the lives of others. You ARE making a difference! You ARE having an influence. Even if all of that is only in your own personal life, it is worth the effort. But I know you is never just in your own life! You make a difference to others! Thanks for your example! Love you, Sister and keep working!!

Heidi said...

Oh Elle! Remember even the pioneers had to go uphill in the snow. Good job. You are such an eloquent author. I love you.
Sometimes there's a fine line between humility and inadequate self esteem. Know who you are. And ps when I was freaking out with exhaustion and too many demands, I took a time out and had a little nap. Then I was able to face six 20 hour days with 4 hours of sleep at nights! LOL--(true that)

Kelsey Collier said...

Sister McCall, I can personally tell you that you have made a HUGE difference in my life. Not only did you introduce me to the true gospel of Jesus Christ, but you were also my friend when I was starting to think that I didn't have any! You mean so much to me, and your nobility and passion for life inspire me every day. <3

:cassia marie: said...

thanks for this. i love reading your posts, but this one was a little closer to home today. good luck today!